I’ve been gone a while. Things have been quite the roller coaster over here and writing about it was using energy I just didn’t (and kinda still don’t) have. But I just finished the hardest week of my graduate school career thus far. It came out of nowhere. Now, I’m left trying to pick up the pieces of myself and trying to put myself first for a change.

You see, it’s easy to brush aside hard questions and personal troubles when you focus on others. Being supportive is your primary objective so what you truly want and need doesn’t really matter. You just gotta make sure your day to day tasks get done and that you have the energy to support, help, and encourage others.

So when it came time to figure out my next step in life and how to take it, I was simply waiting on someone to give me an answer. So I could start preparing for and completing those tasks while getting all my personal satisfaction from giving time and energy to others.

Apparently that doesn’t work.

Obviously that doesn’t work.

When people tell you to follow your ‘passion’, your ‘bliss’ in life, it seems rather simple. I, for example, am passionate about music. What they don’t tell you is what to do when you don’t.

I’m an engineer. I’ve been in school for almost 10 years learning how to be an engineer. Learning how to be the best engineer. To be honest, I don’t like it. I’m not excited to wake up in the morning then solve equations and design machines. There is beauty in the science, but there is no soul. To make up for this, I’ve slowly and steadily moved to a more creative side of engineering. From chemical to mechanical engineering so I could get a little taste of everything and had options. From engines to nanotechnology to sensors so I could add a human element. From sensors to textiles and design so I could add a creativity and design element. I’ve been so busy trying to inject passion into engineering that I never gave a thought to, you know, actually following my passion or seeing what I actually want to do with an engineering degree.

So now I’m here, reading self help books *rolls eyes* and trying to figure out what I want out of life, out of a job, out of my relationships, etc. As such, why not bring everyone else along?

I’m going to post a series of questions I’ve asked myself along with my answers. Not really sure why I’m doing this online, but *shrugs shoulders* why not? These aren’t blog posts about my dog or about my day to day life or other random shit. They may be kinda boring. But I’m not doing this for you.

I’m doing this for me.