Brain Dump

I’m nervous. Not sure what I’m nervous about, but I am definitely nervous. It’s that feeling of climbing all the way up to the high dive, after talking yourself into it for 30 minutes, and then standing on the edge for another hour because you can’t bring yourself to take the last step. It’s easier to take the last step. You know it’s easier to take the last step. You’ll be proud of yourself afterwards. You know that too. You know it’s harder to climb back down the ladder; going around all the people who were going up after you. You’d feel defeated. You know all these things, so why can’t won’t you just jump already?!

There is an epic battle in my brain right now. Am I simply whining or do I actually need help/guidance? My gut is telling me that I’m the only one holding myself back. I need to take charge of my own life and if I have to graduate on my own…then so be it! <-A little hyperbolic, but you see my point. Because I’ve always picked myself up and figured it out. But I never asked myself what I was getting up for? I’ve done that to get myself out of various mental ruts, but also so I can support others. I am of the mindset that everybody deserves great things that they work for. I can offer support for them, but for some reason I fall short in what I think I deserve.

If you see flashing warning lights and a loud voice shouting (Impostor Syndrome!) here, you’re not alone. It’s something I’m pretty aware of and it’s also something that has a significant effect on every graduate student, particularly minority women in tech fields. My solution for this is to overcompensate by proving I deserve to be here and not asking for help. It’s a stupid solution.

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