Good morning!
Hope everyone had a great weekend 🙂 Ours was HOT but you’ll hear more about that later.
I wrote this post about 2 weeks ago and wasn’t ready to publish it, but today’s the day!! (I have a few comments after the post if you wanna see a “Where Are They Now” update)
I feel weird today. In fact if this essay/blog/post ever sees the light of day on the internet I’ll be pretty surprised. Also embarrassed. Really embarrassed.
I found out that an ex-boyfriend of mine proposed to his girlfriend today. On facebook. From his mother (who I was unaware that I was still fb friends with and promptly unfriended).
This is a relationship that ended over 4 years ago. Think maybe 4.5 years now? I have moved on, obviously, and knew he had as well.
He was the first guy I thought I would marry. My first true, deep, chaotic love. He was exactly the kind of guy you wanted to meet your parents. He checked all the boxes.
Everyone was shocked when I ended it. None more so than myself. He was about to propose and had ordered a ring. I didn’t intend to break up with him when I did. I got freaked out by future and things spiraled from there.
I still consider it one of the best, if accidental, decisions I’ve ever made.
Since then I’ve moved on to do some pretty awesome shit and have found the love of my life in Steven. Which is why I’m embarrassed this post is even being written.
I feel weird about it. Not bad not good. Just weird.
My initial thoughts after seeing the post are: I’m happy for him, WTF, ummmmmm wut, this is weird, why do I feel this way, WTF amanda…
So I’m writing my thoughts out. And now that it’s been an hour or so since I saw the news, I feel a different kind of weird.
It’s that kinda numb/out of it/relieved feeling you get when a door you’ve closed finally locks and you know there’s no going back. Whether or not you wanted to go back, there’s a difference between not doing something and not being able to do something. In this case, I’m relieved that that chapter of my life is over for good. Honestly, I almost feel cleansed. Mostly relieved though with a touch of bittersweet.
It feels like I can really look towards the future now. Which, for a depressed person, is weird in and of itself. Since my depression started, my 5 year plan has been to survive and not think about the 5 year plan. Basically, live in the now and do what you can to get through every day and celebrate that. Thinking a year ahead was, and still is, really fucking hard.
But today it just got easier.
It gives me hope. The only thing that can actually combat depression.
I’m happy for him but I’m happier for myself. Because I’m excited to see what adventure the next year brings.
2 weeks ago I started to feel hopeful again. I didn’t want to write about it because that feeling is typically fleeting is quickly replaced with blergh. But I am still feeling good!
It’s been a great couple of weeks since I can get stuff done at work and still have energy to work out and clean and generally perform basic adult functions. It’s pretty awesome 🙂 It’s exciting to look forward to holidays/weekends/tomorrow/etc again!
See ya later with a post on Destination Dix (hehehehehehehe)
PhDeviants 